19. What has self-love got to do with friendships?

Welcome to this special episode of the Empowered By Claudia podcast. In honour of Galentines Day I'm talking all about:

• How our self-love impacts our friendships and vice versa
• How I've set a new intention for this year after an impactful podcast by Mel Robbins
• How a leadership TED talk can help you create authentic friendships and built trust (hint: Brene Brown)
• How your self-love and friendships can be impacted by Fear of Success

And an extra bonus is a complimentary worksheet for you to download with journal prompts from the episode.

Enjoy 💖

Links:

• Worksheet
• Fear of Success Instructor Training
• Mel Robbins - This one study will change how you think about your entire life
• Brene Brown - The Anatomy of Trust

Transcript

What's self-love got to do with friendships: Galentines Special

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Empowered by Claudia podcast. I'm your host Claudia and this week is Valentine's Day and also Galentine's Day. So Galentine's Day is a day where we celebrate those fantastic platonic relationships within in our lives So Galentine's Day is a day where we celebrate this fantastic platonic relationships in our lives I don't know about you, but as I've gotten older, I really notice how much I miss seeing my friends It feels like the months turn into years so quickly.

As we're busy with day to day life, particularly in the season that I'm in of juggling a relationship, young children, chronic health issues, a job, setting up a business. I'm dealing with all of the emails from school, like what is that about? Anyway, so Galentine's Day has been a timely reminder for me to revisit my intentions for this year, 2024, and really prioritise time with my friends.

Now realistically, I still have all of these things I'm juggling. It's not necessarily going to change my availability, but make me more intentional. So, with my ADHD, I pretty much always leave things to the last minute. So I'll be like, oh, what are you doing today? And inevitably people have plans because most people don't leave it to us to plan their days.

So my intention for this year is actually to plan time in advance with my friends rather than watching another year disappear in front of me. And this was Sparked in part by an excellent podcast episode by Mel Robbins that I listened to and it was called This One Study Will Change How You Think About Your Entire Life.

And it is absolutely true. That episode does not lie. The title does not lie. It does what it says on the tin. And basically Mel discussed the results of a huge research study that evaluated how people spend their time in different decades of their lives and how that changes over their lifespan. It is an absolute must listen and will really motivate you to set intentions and actually interview for them.

So I'll link to that episode in the show notes as I can't possibly do it justice with all the other things I want to talk about today. So in today's podcast, we are going to dive into the link between. Your self love and your friendships and how you can be more intentional about nurturing both the relationship with yourself and with others.

Especially, as Mel reminded me, that the person you spend the most time with in your whole life is yourself. A fact that even a self love coach often overlaps. And yes, life may be busy now, but as we age, we see less and less people. So you end up spending a lot of time on your own. But you don't have to be lonely, and it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

Because, if you learn to love yourself, You're going to not resent or feel worried about being alone with yourself. We're also going to examine how self love, friendships, and as well as thinking about how fear of success that we discussed in the last episode can play a part in these relationships frothing or stagnating.

Now don't worry if you haven't listened to last week's episode on fear of success because the information that I'm going to go through today. is in addition to, it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to have that knowledge. I'll pitch it as if you haven't heard last week's episode, but if you have heard last week's, it will build on that, that information.

So before I go diving into the link between friendships and self love, I'd like to share with you my preferred definition of what self love is. Now, this is from the Brain and Behaviour Foundation. And they say self love is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support our physical, psychological and spiritual growth.

Self love means having a high regard for your own well being and happiness. Self love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well being to please others. Self love means not settling for less than you deserve. At the end of this episode I'm going to encourage you to journal on what you've, what we've talked about and I've actually just whipped up a little worksheet for you to use rather than having to, you know, remember all the journal prompts that I'm going to give you today, partly because I generally listen to podcasts when I'm driving, I'm obviously not driving while I'm recording but I thought you might do too.

So actually I thought, you know what, I'll just pop it on a document and then you've got it and you can journal to your heart's content about these topics. By the end of the show, I want you to really get clear on what self love means to you and next we're going to look into the benefits of friendships and how they impact on our self love whether that being positively or negatively and as I list these benefits think about your friendship group and consider how you like to be supported in friendship and how you want to show up as a friend to others.

Are there any changes you can make? Are there people you want to prioritise spending time with? Are there boundaries that are being overstepped? Or are there people that you would like to spend less time with moving forwards? You don't have to make these decisions now. I, for one, am someone who listens to information and then ponders over it for a little while and then maybe takes action.

It just takes me a bit longer to think about these things. So, If I was to summarise the benefits of how friendships can benefit your self love, I mean, number one would have to be that emotional support. Having friends that genuinely care about your well being means it's easy to share frustrations and when things aren't going right, but also share the good times and celebrate together.

And having friends that Regardless of whether you're facing stress, heartbreak, uncertainty, knowing that they've got your back is so, so valuable to help you manage and overcome those challenges. Even if they're not necessarily able to physically be there, actually knowing you have that support and someone cheering you on is just It's so powerful being non judgmental, being yourself without fear of being criticized.

It helps you access, express yourself authentically as an individual and helps you become your authentic self. And that will help build your self esteem and confidence in your identity and obviously your self love. Which is the point of these, these points. So number three was these shared experiences.

They help you create bonds. And it might be that you're in a similar life stage, or you've got a shared interest. It can really help you. And the most helpful thing I can bring up is having young children. That transition from being a, not a parent to a parent was so hard. And I found people who Weren't afraid to say actually it's hard and then we could support each other.

So when someone was having a tough day We're like right, do you, right, do you want me to hold the baby while you just go off and have a hot drink? Rather than wait for it to be cold or actually yeah, that was really rubbish Do you want me to take your child for a little walk around the block? Or do you need just to sit here and be distracted?

You know those things are just so so important of having people that You can be true with you don't have to go. Oh, yeah, everything's perfect when it isn't you don't have to paper it over Don't have to put on a mask and be like, yeah, I'm fine because that isn't helpful So those Friendships where you are allowed to be yourself Where you are in the same boat and yes, we might all have slightly different Challenges, but we can come together and support each other through that and that for me is a really important thing To know because you compare yourself to people around you and if you're comparing yourself to people who actually go, well, this is reality This is what I'm experiencing.

You're not going to be as hard as yourself. You're going to be more honest and open and able to really Be 100 percent in that friendship and that leads me to honest feedback is that true friends are honest with each other They provide constructive feedback. They are able to help you and say, Actually, I think you got it wrong.

But, this is how we can move forward. And it's just so important to have people you can actually be open with because it's really lonely if you don't feel like you can be yourself with anyone. Cheerleaders, so empowerment, encouragement, cheering each other on in achievements, offering motivation during challenges, acting as a source of inspiration for your personal goals.

It could be going, well, come on, let's do a 5k together or let's do this and have you done your run this week, whatever it is, actually having people doing it with you just really improves your chances of success. And social connection. I mean, this is the bit I think I really, really miss is that physically having the time to go out and do stuff.

It might be, you know, going out for, to a spa day. It could be going for a meal. It could, could be literally just going around to your friend's house and sitting there watching Grey's Anatomy and missing most of it because you're just catching up on life. And that connection is so important. It helps combat any feelings of loneliness, it improves your mental and emotional health.

If you're laughing, it improves your overall well being and just helps you have a positive outlook and obviously improve your self love because you're doing these things that nourish your well being. Physical and psychological growth and your well being. And this positive influence. So if you have friends who are talking positively about their body.

Who are not constantly criticising how they look or What they're wearing or anything like that, that will massively improve you because if you're around people that are constantly going Oh, I shouldn't have eaten, I've eaten like 500 calories today, and I'm feeling really rubbish about it. You're gonna start analyzing those same things.

So if you've got people who've got a really positive outlook and you know, they can accept when things aren't going Right, and are honest, but in general, they are working to better themselves. That is going to be a huge, like, benefit to your self love journey. And that'll help you feel nurtured. And give you that support and encouragement and connection that we need as humans.

We are social beings, and yes, we may be introverted at times, but we still need that, that connection with others. So, when thinking about those, those principles. of, you know, the emotional support, not being judgmental, celebrating your individuality, having shared experiences, being honest, empowering and encouraging each other, having that social connection and positive influence.

Who wouldn't want a friendship group like that? And it might be that you don't have one person that meets all of that. It might be that you have different people. It might be a friend that you go to cry on their shoulder and a different friend that you go for a pep talk. And that's okay. And I'd like you to think about what your friendship superpower is.

And what is the thing that you absolutely, what is your little gift, your superpower? So, I'm going to move slightly on and actually reference another fantastic woman. So I was on a leadership course through the NHS that I went on, I think it was like 2016 maybe. And I was introduced to a TED Talk by Brenny Brown and it was called Anatomy of Trust.

And I've watched it and listened to it quite a few times following this, but it still sticks with me. And it is as applicable in friendships as it is when you are leading or managing others. Now, Brené mentions an acronym called BRAVING. Which are the seven pillars of trust in any relationship. And so I'm just going to go through them briefly, but I would encourage you to go and watch her TED Talk.

I'll also pop the link to that in the show notes. So, there are seven elements in this braving definition. So, B is for boundaries. So, setting these boundaries of what's okay and what's not okay and why. We've all had those friends that take, take, take, and never give, and I would argue they're probably not friends in the truest sense.

And a lot of us are people pleasers or recovering people pleasers, and it's so easy just to give, give, give, but going back to that definition of self love is about boundaries. It is. Self love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well being to please others. And so this is where the boundaries comes in, the B of braving.

In order to trust other people, if they're constantly giving, giving, giving, and they are burnt out, does that help you trust them to be there for you, or does that reduce your trust in them? R is for reliability. Do what you say you're gonna do. Don't overpromise. Don't say, yes, I'm gonna come to that event, if you, you can't, you physically can't make it.

A. It's for accountability, so this goes back to the honesty we were just talking about, so owning your mistakes, apologise, try and make amends. V, now this one really, really struck me when I first heard it. So it's V is for fault. If somebody tells you something, and says this is in confidence, don't go and tell someone else.

It is It stays with you, it's in a vault, it's in that safe, and it's not going anywhere.

And then, that helps people trust you, because they know that you're not going to break their confidence, which is essential in trust. Integrity. Choosing courage over comfort. Choosing what is right over what is fun, fast or easy. And practicing your values. So this is going back into your authenticity, of actually showing up who you want to be, and living those values that you have.

Non judgment. Again, we went through being non judgmental. So, it's okay to say, actually I'm really struggling with this at the moment. These are the feelings I'm having. And know that you will be embraced as you are. Not for pretending that everything's okay. That you actually can show up as truly you.

Generosity is the last one. And this one, again, I hope you love. So, it is extending the most generous interpretation to the intentions, words, or actions of others. Often, we interpret what people are saying, doing through what we expect them to do, or what we think of them, rather than be it giving them the benefit of the doubt.

So, for example, if somebody has shortchanged you,

Assume it was a mistake. Obviously go and mention it. But don't go, well you've just robbed off me. Because they could have just been an accident. They could have been tired and distracted. Or they could have dyscalculia, where they're struggling with numbers. Like there are so many reasons. So having that generosity of spirit, where you don't necessarily assume the worst of people.

This one? Like I said, it really impacted me, and when, I can't remember if I shared this on the podcast or not, but I was in my early twenties, and I was assaulted by some young boys. The police said they thought it was part of a gang initiation. And I went from having this worldview of overall people are good, to being absolutely terrified that everybody was bad and everybody was out to get me.

And it took a lot of therapy to, to trust to leave the house in the day, to leave the house in the evening, to feel safe. And that, like I said, it took a long time and that was because my generosity of spirit is suddenly closed down and gone when this is evidence that people can't be trusted. And actually, yes, those three people that attacked me couldn't be trusted.

But that doesn't mean the rest of the world is going to attack you. And so I think it's so important, often when there's been a disagreement between people at work, it's because people have assumed what the intention of the other is, not necessarily what the facts are. Did they intend to cause you harm, or did they intend something completely different?

And it's so, so important. So I really recommend you go and listen to her Anatomy of Trust TED Talk. It's fantastic. And remember this acronym BRAVING. And think about how you can integrate those principles into your connections with others. So a little reminder. Boundaries, Reliability, Accountability, Vault, Integrity, Non judgement and Generosity.

Knowing that you and an authentic, intentional friend, surrounded by authentic friendships will improve your own self love. And another final point from when I watched that TED talk was that Bernie said, you know, there are those friendships in inverted commas that They're not really friendships because actually all you talk about is other people, you're just gossiping about other people and they did this and I did that.

But you're not really talking about you and what you value and those kind of things, you're not really getting to know each other, it's very surface level. But it's also not very nice because if you're having those conversations with them, what are they having, what conversations are they having with other people about what you're sharing with them.

So, it's definitely worth a book. A point of reflection and it really changed the way that I showed up in my friendships following that.

So last week on the podcast, I spoke with Pearl about a fear of success and its impact in a wider sense. But today I'm gonna really drill down into the impact of fear of success on both your relationship with yourself, so yourself, love, and your relationship with others. Same. How does fear of success relate to self love and friendships?

Well, there are a number of different types of fear of success and they will impact in slightly different ways So I'm just going to go through them. They're not in any particular order and Some of them you may resonate with some of them you won't and that's absolutely fine because we are all affected by varying degrees of fear of success So the first one we will discuss is the fear of false success.

So this would be when you are Sticking to somebody else's definition rather than your own. So, for example, in the, in the example of self love, it can be that you've heard other people going, oh, well, they love themselves too much, as a negative, talking about someone who's maybe narcissistic or full of themselves, rather than actually The actual definition of what self love is to you, which will vary from person to person.

You get to make your own definition. But it can also be things like thinking, well, self love is self care, or it's not. Self care can feed into self love, but it's not exclusively what self love is about. And with your friendships, about the definition of what a friend is. So it might be that you're like, oh, well.

Having good friendships is the volume, so the number of friendships when you're friends with so many people, rather than the quantity, so the depth of those friendships, the reliability, if you can really trust them to turn on them and turn to them in times of trouble. So that would be how fear of false success would interact with self love and friendships.

And you've got the fear of being, doing, having the very thing that we want. So this is, you've spent so long thinking. That it's not for you. I can't have these quality friendships. Because people won't accept me for who I am. That you don't actually ever take the first step. You just close yourself off because you don't believe that people will actually accept you for who you are.

So you don't even try. You sabotage yourself at the off. You think it's for other people. You think, well I can't change. I can't learn to love myself. So there's no point in trying.

That just, again, stops you from even nurturing those friendships because you're like, well, seriously, what's the point? The fear of loss of success. So, this is linked with this feeling that the more successful we are, the more we have to lose. So, if you don't try and love yourself more, then you can't lose that self love.

If you don't try and connect with people on a more authentic and intimate level, you won't be hurt when they move on. And this Was something that really hurt me for a while. I had what I thought was some close friendships and when I really really needed them they walked away and I've been very open.

I'd shared that I was struggling and Next thing I know things that messages aren't being answered Plans are being cancelled It's awkward when you bump into each other in the street. It just, it's, it's heartbreaking and that really impacted me when I was struggling. I was struggling with a lot of health issues when I was pregnant with Evie and two people who I thought were my friends.

They prioritised their relationship with each other and basically abandoned me and that meant it took a lot to dust myself off. And put myself out there on an honest, authentic level after that, but I did, and I'm so grateful for that because I have friends who are truly there who are embodying those, those values and elements that I've mentioned earlier in this podcast.

So what I'm saying is that don't fear losing success. Don't let that stop you from actually taking action. Because, in reflection, those relationships clearly weren't perfect. Otherwise, they wouldn't have broken down. So I encourage you not to let, not to be, it's natural to be scared of things happening again, but if you don't put yourself out there, it'll never get better.

So, moving on to the fear of consequences of success. So this might be a feeling that people won't like us if we put boundaries in place to improve our self love. That if we don't bend over backwards until the point we're completely burnt out, they won't, they won't love us. Or that we won't love ourselves because we won't have that recognition for, oh, Claudia's so great, she always prioritises coming to see us, even when she's tired.

Those accolades are not going to help your self love in the long term, because you're going to be so burnt out that you're just Not going to be practicing all of these elements of self love that really help nurture us.

Another consequence is that when you are setting boundaries and prioritizing your self love people might not like it. What I challenge back and say, if people in your life do not like you for prioritizing your well being, they're probably not the right people to have in your life anyway, because that is not a healthy way to look at it.

I absolutely would not want that. Friends to burn out just because they wanna keep a time commitment to come and see me or whatever. And then the last one is the fear of what we falsely believe we need to do to be, to have, in order to be successful. So this might be our beliefs that we have about friendship.

It's gonna take lots of time, it's gonna take lots of money. I have to always respond immediately to any messages, like I'm always on call. And that's not true, because you get to set the rules of your friendship, you get to set those boundaries. And as I've said, the right people will accept your priorities and your boundaries, because it means that when you are with them, you are with them, you are in the room, physically or metaphorically.

You know, you're not distracted by constant text messages, you are there with them in person.

And it doesn't mean that, you know, you can only have one friendship. There are plenty of people who nurture lots of friendships by just taking a bit of time every morning to message, like, two people in their life. And do it like that. Because realistically, we could spend 15 minutes scrolling Instagram.

Or we could send a meaningful message to a friend and it's a choice that we have. So don't let any of these fears get in the way of what you want most and to call that is obviously to cultivate Honest meaningful relationship both with yourself and with others. So I'm gonna wear that I have provided you with a lot of information So I've made little free worksheet for you with All of the information with some journal prompts.

So you can get really intentional of what you want your relationship with yourself and your relationship with your friends to look like this year. And this is just part of the work I do with my clients in improving their self love. Either on a one to one, so individual online coaching, or with my self paced leading lady self love academy.

So you get a little bit of an insight of the kind of things that we look at. In summary the things that we're going to go into the worksheet, so defining and getting really clear on how you want to feel about your self love. What would it look like if you had self love? How would your life be different?

How do you want your friendships, relationships to feel? How Evaluating how you're spending your time with the Mel's Robin episode, and that is especially time with your friends, your partner, and yourself. They really stood out for me when I listened to it. Evaluate the quality of your relationships, looking at that braving acumen, the elements of trust, the anatomy of trust, and the elements that I also mentioned.

And thinking about what intention you would like to put in place for this year with regards to your relationship with yourself and others. Thinking about quality over quantity. Journal on your fear of success Questions. See what is holding you back from bringing this intention to life? And finally, what actions can you start taking this week to bring this intention to life, to improve your relationship with yourself and others?

I'm so grateful for you taking the time to listen to me each week. It would really help me reach more people, if you like. Right. Review, subscribe, or follow, or share to a friend about this podcast. You can share it to your stories and tag me at claudia underscore sabina underscore wellness. It just really helps other people to learn about the podcast.

And I'm very grateful for each and every one of you that writes the reviews. Thank you so much. I hope you have a wonderful week and happy Galentine's Day. Goodbye.